Swamp Thing S:1; E:5

Hey y’all, welcome back! It’s time for us to head out to the Louisiana bayous and check in on the continuing adventures of Swamp Thing!

If you’re new to Spectacular Optical you might not have heard that I plan on watching and blogging about all 72 episodes of the 1990s live action TV show: SWAMP THING THE SERIES!

Today we’re discussing episode 5 (only 67 more posts left!). If  you want to start at the beginning, click HERE for S:1, E:1

Okay then…let’s do this!

Season 1, episode 5: BLOOD WIND

Here we go again…I seriously have high hopes for this one folks! I know it’s been a disappointing 4 episodes over the past 8 months…so things have just got to get better this time around!

And how can I be so sure?

Well, first up:

The title of today’s episode is BLOOD WIND! Pretty rad right? It sounds like it could be a KREATOR song off of PLEASURE TO KILL or something!

Wait…y’all don’t remember KREATOR? Dude, they were this awesome German thrash band from the 80s:

Anyone? No? Oooo-kay then….

So my second reason is:

Arcane is back and his hair is looking fan-fucking-tastic as usual!

And my third reason is:

Tressa

I know she usually bugs the crap out of me, but she’s just oozing so much 90s style today that I couldn’t help but be totally enamored with her.

Oh, and her hair is just about perfect. Seriously…she’s like a Pantene commercial.

I know, you’re just dying to know what this one is all about…hold on to your hats, it’s a doozy!

So Arcane and his weirdo assistant/”Number 2” have been working on this crazy pheromone formula (made from “brain tissue from a live brain“) that will cause people to go into a murderous rage once they get a whiff of it. It seems like pretty dangerous sciencey stuff, so obviously Arcane and Number 2 keep it in a mason jar.

After a few half-assed experiments the boys decide their pheromone formula is bunk and Number 2 figures he’ll dispose of their failure in the swamps.  As per usual, Swamp Thing is just lurking around hiding behind a bush or whatever (instead of doing cool shit like busting the heads of Ophidian, Cranius, or even Patchwork Man) so he’s able to stop Number 2 from polluting the bayou with his mason jar of maliciousness.

Oh, and get this load of dialog:

Swamp Thing: “What is this?”

Number 2: “Waste….Dr. Holland…Toxic waste.”

Swamp Thing: “You picked the swamp to get rid of it!?

Number 2: “I have no toilet in my lab.”

You know why he doesn’t have a toilet in his lab? ‘Cause his “lab” is just some chemistry shit he borrowed from the local community college and shoved into the back of his creepy rape van.

Nice set up amateur…can you tell me where the M.S.D.S. books are? And what’s up with the lack of PPE in there? Maybe you should watch THIS VIDEO and then try again.

Anyway, Swampy takes the jar and sends Number 2 on his way without so much as a fist to the face…what is wrong with this Swamp Thing?! Why won’t he hit someone? Sigh…

Once Swampy is alone with the jar he decides to open it up and see what’s doin’…and while it’s not as foul as the VICE GROSS JAR 2.0, it still packs one hell of a punch. So much so that Swamp Thing gets all bug-a-boo and loses the damn lid to the jar and frantically sets the murderous-rage-inducing-pheromone-formula on an old stump…

…and then wanders off to hide behind a tree ’cause he hears someone coming…and that someone is none other than Tressa. I bet you can’t guess what happens next.

If your guess is that Tressa gets totally gassed like a poor little bunny in one of  Victor Meyer‘s mustard gas experiments, you’d be 100% correct.

Smooth move, Swamp Thing.

Tressa survives her encounter with the noxious fumes and kind of brushes the whole incident off. She ends up heading home and jumping in the shower before tooting down to the art gallery to do some shopping.

Jesus, it’s taking me forever to get through this episode….I’d be seriously amazed if any of y’all have made it this far into this post.

If you think my descriptions of SWAMP THING THE SERIES are long winded you should check out ARCANE KNOWLEDGE‘s EPISODE GUIDE!

I seriously love this site…here’s one of the paragraphs describing what happens next in this particular episode:

A little while later, Tressa’s now finished her shower and is robed again. As she walks into the bedroom, she adds some final drying touches to her neck with a towel, which she puts down on the bed afterwards. She then sits on the edge of the bed and picks up a stocking, which she starts to put on. As she does so, she begins to rub her leg again, just like before, and then smells both her hands as though something bad is still on her despite the shower, but she can’t tell what it is. Not satisfied, she begins to rub her leg hard with the towel to try and remove whatever it is. Her whole demeanour is full of anxiety. Eventually, she puts down the towel and puts the other stocking on, still not looking completely happy.

Pretty great right? It’s like a novelization of the TV show!

I wonder how long it took to whip up these incredibly detailed episode guides? It’s truly amazing and awe inspiring how much work was put into that site.

Obviously I don’t have the same kind of dedication (or endurance) so I’m just going to blaze through the rest of this and let the screenshots do the talking…

Tressa is infected with the pheromone formula and everyone she comes into contact with decides to try and murder her.

Like this nice old lady.

And this nice old bear.

And some dude who might be JOHN BLACK from DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

Oh man…remember when “The Pawn” aka John Black was trying to figure out who he was way back in 1986?!

Yeah…I used to watch Days…what of it? But so did my mom…and this girl I had a crush on in middle school…Wendy Chapman. I wonder what ever happened to Wendy…

Oh sorry…got a little sidetracked there.

Everyone who gets a whiff of Tressa is overcome with an uncontrollable urge to murder her right? So she runs into the swamps to try and find some shelter from the crazies on her tail!

But get this….even the friggin’ swamp wants her dead! And then things start to get all EVIL DEAD.

But guess who’s hiding in the bushes, just hanging around, ready to save the day?

Swampy talks to the trees and tells them “She is life. You must not destroy,” and the trees agree to let Tressa go. Then he catches Arcane and Number 2 (without any fighting) creeping around the swamp and forces them to make an antidote.

Once the antidote is whipped up, Swamp Thing sends a child to deliver it to Tressa…Swamp Thing gambles on the fact that since Jim is Tressa’s son he  won’t try and murder her when he gets close enough to give her the cure.

I guess that kind of makes sense…except for the fact that all she has to do is inhale the fumes from a jar…it’s not like anyone has to administer a shot. Why couldn’t they just leave the mason jar full of antidote on a stump and tell Tressa to go sniff on it from a distance? I guess it doesn’t really matter.

So Tressa is saved and Swamp Thing looks all relieved as he hides in the bushes watching…watching and waiting for the next exciting episode of SWAMP THING THE SERIES!

So that’s that…stay tuned for more SWAMP THING THE SERIES coverage right here at Spectacular Optical!

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