Swamp Thing S:1; E:3

Hey y’all, welcome back! It’s time for us to head out to the Louisiana bayous and check in on the continuing adventures of Swamp Thing!

(I know it’s been a while, but I’m a busy man and blogging about Swamp Thing The Series really hasn’t been on the top of my list these days….thankfully, no one seems to have missed this little segment all that much…and by “all that much” I mean, “at all”.)

If you’re new to Spectacular Optical you might not have heard that I plan on watching and blogging about all 72 episodes of the 1990s live action TV show: SWAMP THING THE SERIES!

Today we’re discussing episode 3 (only 69 more posts left!). If  you want to start at the beginning, click HERE for S:1, E:1

Okay then…let’s do this!

Season 1, episode 3: TREASURE

You may or may not remember from way back in November that I was pretty excited about this episode…with a title like “Treasure“, I was sure there would be some swamp pirates for our pal Swampy to tussle with.

Sadly, there are no pirates…and even sadder, there’s really no one for Swamp Thing to fight. We’re 3 episodes into this series and the lack of men in rubber suits punching the crap out of each other is really distressing. I’m starting to think I should have just watched the 90s animated series….the cartoon intro has more action in one minute than the first 3 live action episodes put together:

Oh well…as mom used to say, “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”

I will say I was happy that we actually got to see more of Swamp Thing than in the first couple of episodes. Right from the jump we have Swampy out in the open digging through some garbage…I’m assuming the swamp summoned him here to find some sort of treasure or something.

And if you think a briefcase full of money buried under an old sink is treasure, then my assumption would be correct. But how did it get there? Turns out a ne’er-do-well with a soon to be fatal heart condition named Buckholt (Kevin Corrigan) stashed it in the swamp before wandering over to the old Langford house.

Buckholt meets our young hero, Jim, and tells him some cock and bull story about being Savanna Langford’s son (making him Jim’s uncle and Tressa’s brother) and asks if he can use the bathroom…seems that his “heart condition” is acting up making Bucky all nauseous and pukey feeling. Not being the brightest of kids, Jim admits he’s all alone in the house and takes his new found “uncle” inside.

Once the near-delirious Bucky makes it to the bathroom he starts rambling to Jim about stolen money, heart failure, and his mysterious killer girlfriend, Eleanor. You see, Eleanor is one crazy bitch that’s on the hunt for the briefcase full of cash…and she’s ready to kill for it! Bucky passes out in exhaustion leaving Jim in a bit of a pickle…call an ambulance or run off into the swamps to look for his ol’ pal, Swamp Thing?

Of course Jim chooses unwisely and hightails it out of the house to convince Swampy to come help his dying “uncle”. At first Swamp Thing is pretty bitchy about the prospect of leaving the safety of his swamp and facing the possibility of being seen, but Jim eventually wins him over with lots of whining and a smidgen of guilt tripping. Jim gets Swamp Thing to the house, but before they can figure out what to do with the passed out stranger in the bathroom Tressa shows up.

And I’ll be damned if she’ wasn’t dressed in her best Aunt Martha inspired attire! This outfit totally makes up for her lack of bangs in episode 2…

Anyway, Jim hides Swampy in his room and lets his mom deal with finding a strange, dying guy on her bathroom floor. While Tressa bitches Jim out about Stranger Danger and calls an ambulance, Swamp Thing slips out of Jim’s room and up to the attic….

Here’s where I got my hopes up for this episode and maybe even for the rest of the series. If Swamp Thing was never going to get to fighting some other monsters, wouldn’t it be great if things got all FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC with some incest, physical and emotional abuse, blood drinking and poison cookies?

Anyone?

Really? I can’t be the only guy that has an interest in V.C. Andrews novels and Swamp Thing…I’m sure Alan Moore must have been inspired by at least one of Ms. Andrews’ Gothic series.

Hey, remember when the guy that directed BLOOD BEACH adapted FLOWERS… into a movie?

Ooooh, that Louise Fletcher plays such a good bitch…and speaking of bitches, I guess I should get back to Swamp Thing…and Eleanor. Remember I mentioned her way back in the beginning of this rambling post?

She’s “Uncle” Bucky’s psychopathic ex that’s hot on the trail of the briefcase full of money Swamp Thing found in the swamp dump. So, she breaks into Tressa and Jim’s house looking for the loot…and she came packing heat and a face full of crazy!

She confronts Jim in his bedroom in what can only be described as a lifetime fetish in the making moment…

Jim crumbles under Eleanore’s weirdly hot questioning and spills the beans that the stolen money is in the dump. Well, I guess knowing where to find the cash wasn’t enough to satisfy the psycho power trip fueling Eleanore so she makes sure to really fuck poor Jim up by shooting his mom right in front of his eyes.

That’s right, she shoots Tressa dead…point blank in the boob no less. With her blood lust satisfied Eleanore makes a mad dash out of the house to snatch up that briefcase! Luckily for the dearly departed Tressa, Swamp Thing is still lurking around the Langford house…so he uses one of his many planty powers to bring her back to life.

Sigh….I wish Swampy would have gotten all Ed Harris in THE ABYSS and given her “the slap of life” just so he could finally be hitting someone…but nooooo, Swamp Thing’s powers are much more delicate and sensitive.

Whatever….at least things picked up a bit once we got back to Eleanore and the pig-man. Oh yeah, there’s a pig-man that shows up in the swamps and shoots Eleanore as soon as she finds the briefcase.

And then she dies in the garbage. Seems like Karma is an even bigger bitch than Eleanore. The end.

 I sure hope we see that pig-man again…and where the Hell was Arcane? Hopefully things will pick up with episode 4…tune in next time for more ramblings about SWAMP THING THE SERIES only at Spectacular Optical!

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