Turn to the left. Fashion! Turn to the right. Yo, fashion!

I have no problems admitting that I love all things G.I. JOE…the swivel-arm battle grip action figures, the 80s comic, the 80s Sunbow cartoon series, and yes, even the 2009 movie…

My one complaint with the film was the lack of character defining, Village People-esque costuming. Seriously, the Joes and Cobra knew how to look sharp and accessorize for every occasion!

Just look at these dudes!

I bring this up because I stumbled onto a post over at Comics Alliance this past weekend that was all about the fashions of G.I.JOE!

How awesome is that?! Well, it’s pretty damn awesome, let me tell ya’!

I’ve posted a few examples of Chris Sims and Bethany Fong‘s hilarious and insightful musings along with some pictures below…but feel free to click the link to read their post in its entirety:

ComicsAlliance Critiques the Fashions of ‘G.I. Joe’

Chris: Not since Dr. Strange has a man rocked the high collar/amulet combo so effectively.

Bethany: Holy accessories, Batman! Does this guy have a disco collar, an amulet, two gauntlets (one with darts and another with grenades), and TWO garters? Not to mention, the collar, amulet, darts, grenades, and garters are matching impeccably!

Chris: Hell. Yes. As much as I talked about liking how the Baroness was wearing armor, this is a dude who goes into battle and doesn’t even wear shoes OR a shirt. Just pants, a headband and a bandolier of shuriken, and if it wasn’t for the Comics Code, I’m pretty sure the pants would’ve been gone too.

Bethany: I like that he’s a no frills (and no shirt) kind of guy.

Chris: Shipwreck’s costume — and this is a costume, not a uniform — is amazing. It’s… I mean, it is every insane stereotype about sailors they could think of, down to the fact that he has a parrot and carries a flint-lock shotgun like an actual 17th century pirate.

Bethany: I love how Shipwreck looks bewildered and pretty much ready to kill you with all of his weapons simultaneously, while his parrot looks so cozy, comfortably nesting on his shoulder.
Chris: The anchor tattoo, the goofy hat and the pants that are flared at the ankle and super-tight at the thighs at the same time make him look like a hipster, even though I don’t think that’s technically possible.Bethany: Don’t forget that beard, brah!
Chris: But yeah, that dude is definitely getting ready to shoulder his way through the crowd to get a Record Store Day exclusive vinyl pressing. And you know what, maybe they should stick with that the next time Joe gets a relaunch. Stick with the original design, just give him the codename “Hipster.” He could talk about how he liked G.I. Joe HQ better when it was underground.
Chris: Sgt. Slaughteris a real human being. And a real American hero.
Bethany: Not gonna lie, I would break my no-pants rule for those G.I. Joe britches.

Chris: I will never understand why he never actually wore them to wrestle in real life. But aside from that, this is basically just what the real Sgt. Slaughter wore to work every day, which kind of makes it stick out in the context of the other suits.

Bethany: Wait, so did he wear this in combat as well? Or something else?

Chris: …Bethany are you somehow unaware that Sgt. Slaughter was a real life pro wrestler in the WWF who was then made into a character on G.I. Joe?

Bethany: … WOW I DEFINITELY BELIEVED THAT THIS WAS A PURE COINCIDENCE.Chris: He even did the voice on the cartoon! And in G.I. Joe: The Movie! And Cobra Commander said that he had the constitution of a vending machine!Bethany: Amazing!

Chris: Of course, I can see why you were thrown off. The G.I. Joe Sgt. Slaughter had significantly more hair than his real-life counterpart, and also never defected to Iraq in order to get a match against Hulk Hogan. He was 100% dedicated to taking on the forces of Cobra with his bare hands.

Bethany: Ha, yes. So basically Sgt. Slaughter got to cosplay himself on a day to day basis? Color me jealous.

See what they have to say about The Baroness, Scarlett, Bazooka, Cobra’s Televiper, evil twins Tomax and Zamot, and Torch and Ripper of the Dreadnoks:

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